Feels Like It Will Never End

Recently, I’ve been thinking about 2019 because well, we’re just here in 2019 for 5 days and we got 360 more days to come. I have some sickening thoughts, as some of you may already know, I have depression and I’ve been fighting it for a very long time.

I have tendency to get depression ever since I was a kid. I’ve had insomnia since I was a kid and was abused because of that. I’ve been struggling leaving my bed because I feel tired most of the time. My parents labelled me lazy and all of those stuff. I struggled and still am.

I started getting professional help on October 21st 2016. Why has it taken me that long to seek for professional help? Because everyone around me told me that I’m just fine, I need some fresh air, I need to work out, get some friends, do yoga, eat more. Nope. I contacted TELL Japan and they got me a psychologist. Her name is Chiaki Abe. So, Chiaki helped me a lot with therapy but, also told me to get some medication because believe it or not, I looked like a walking corpse back then. I weight only 40 kg and I got 2 black eye bags, with extra lines. I was pale and just terrible. Those mediations and therapy helped a lot. Trust me, if you have mental health issue, get professional help. I am now 60 kg and I still can’t sleep well but, at least I’m not starving myself to death.

Oh, also, one of the main reason why I choose to get professional help is because I was trying to commit suicide and when I failed, I kept thinking of not wanting to live. It’s not that I want to die but, it’s hard to explain. I just want the torture to end.

So, what’s wrong with me? In my case, after some check ups, they found out that my brain is unable to secretes a hormone called Serotonin. It’s a hormone that makes people feel happy and relax. Well, I can feel a little bit happy and relax but, it’s not up to normal level.

Could it also be my dysphoria? Yes, but, in my case, because I have a huge tendency to get depressed, anything can trigger it.

Am I addicted to the medication they have given me? No, I am not however, if I cut the medication, I will lose my appetite in days and I will be unable to sleep too. The depression will come back in a matter of days.

I want to be positive and shout,”2019 will be the year to free myself from depression!” but, pfffft! Nah, I’m realistic. I hate depression, don’t get me wrong. I just know that no matter what, I will live with this thing forever, with or without medication.

“But, you said that medication helps!”

Yes, it helps a lot but, it doesn’t make it go away.

In the end, I’m glad I survived those years and I survived 2018. 2018 was really rough because I has a lot of difficulties sleeping without medications. I’m back in Indonesia right now and I can’t find a psychologist or a psychiatrist that clicks with me. The medication that they gave me doesn’t work that well too. Those medications have different effects for everyone so, don’t mess around with medications. Also, in 2018, my voice crack like crazy due to the medication and the long karaoke sessions. I did a lot of karaoke to stimulate my brain and since I can’t sleep anyway so, why not? I also had one of the worse flu ever in 2018. So, there goes my voice. But, on the other hand, in 2018, I have my family even though they make me crazy with how they treat me sometimes, they do make me feel loved for several minutes every rare occasions. Better than nothing. I have my friends, not many but, I have chosen them carefully. I trust them and I know we will do our best to succeed. I also have some of my loyal fans. They keep supporting me through all the hardships, even accompanying me late at night when I couldn’t sleep which is almost everyday. Thank you for all your support! Thank you for believing in me.

I will keep fighting and keep trying.

If anyone out there living with depression and want to reach out, contact me and I will try my best to reply. OR if it’s URGENT, get local help ASAP, and call a lifeline while waiting  for them to come to you. Every breath matters.

Be kind, be you.

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