My sister and my mom came in late October to accompany me. There are plenty of reasons that I gave for them to come. First of all, my place is in a mess after I left for 夏休み。(Summer vacation). My mom would like to help me clean and tidy up. Second, I have a LIVE in Anisong 2016 so, they could see and cheer for me. LOL
I was afraid if something would happen to me.
For the past few years, I have been really struggling with this thing called depression. So, I was born with this tendency to get depressed. All this time, I never knew that I have depression or anything like that. My father always thought that it’s just a state of the mind. Thus I have the thought of… Feeling like this is normal. I thought that everyone else is struggling like this, have these thoughts in mind, have trouble sleeping, have a very weird appetite, and I thought that it’s normal having to push yourself to do things everytime. I even thought that it’s normal to feel this empty. I thought that it’s fine and it will go away eventually.
So, I continuously living like that and blame myself whenever I feel bad. I thought that it’s my fault that I’m not happy. I thought that I’m such a worthless person, I should be thankful that I have this and that. Despite all of that, I thought I should be happy. So, I always act like that one kid who jokes around, laugh, have fun. Well, I know, I look intimidating and kinda different from people generally but, for people around me, like friends, teachers, communities I’m in, I act like a happy kid. The dark side is never visible.
One of the reason why I never really try to reach out is because I thought it’s normal. Everyone is struggling so, why should I bother? It’s all the same. Also, I thought that nothing’s going to change even if I talk to someone. I don’t even know what’s wrong. I’m just not happy and that’s it. I don’t know why. I feel down, I feel unmotivated, I thought that I’m lazy so, I always force myself to do this and that saying,”Are you going to be a worthless piece of trash? You’ll regret this.” And yes, I always regret it if I think like I wasted a day. Yes, I’m hard on myself and it’s hard to change that. I think whatever happens, it’s up to me. It’s bad for my mental health but, I never knew that.
Back to those “Why I never really try to reach out” thing… Because deep down, I don’t think anyone can help me and, I’m afraid that I will annoy someone. True, everyone can easily say,”I’m here for you.” or “Let’s struggle together!” or you can say,”That’s what friends are for.” True, that’s what friends are for but, how do you know if someone is your friend or not… Some people are just playing nice. Plus, “I’m here for you if you need me.” is super not helping. I know you’re there, I don’t know if I need you for something… What do I possibly need to say? I need you to cure me. How are you suppose to do that, right? It’s so general that I could never contact anyone who said that. You are there and you are alive, I know. I don’t know whether I need you or not in this matter. That sounds harsh but, believe me, I have no idea how I suppose to need someone… Another thing about “Let’s struggle together.” is that you have no idea what I’ve been through or how I feel, right? And I don’t feel good. This thing that I’m experiencing, it’s not a good thing, it’s not a fun thing, it’s not an exciting thing. I lost someone really close to me due to this thing inside me. Someone actually said that I’m annoying with all this sad shit inside me. I opened up and this someone just choked me. Yes, it’s true. It’s annoying, it’s sad, it’s boring. Don’t struggle with me, just take me as someone fun. Don’t ever say that you’ll struggle with someone unless you really mean it… And you’ll never know what you got yourself into when you find someone like me.
“I just want you to remember me as someone fun…”
After Anisong LIVE 2016, my sister and my mom went back 3,400 miles away. I’m here again, alone.
I started meeting with a therapist the day after my sister and my mom left. No, it’s actually several hours after they left. I got some insights about what’s going on and she referred me to a psychiatrist to get medication.
We thought that worst part is I don’t sleep and I don’t eat.
The worst part is that I don’t have a will to live.
I started to think that my existence is meaningless.
I have no motivation to do anything.
My reason for living right now is because I convince myself that I have dreams and my sister who said that she’ll die if I die.
It has been a month since I started meeting a therapist and a psychiatrist. How am I feeling right now? I actually feel worse than the first time I met them. It’s not because they suck but, it’s because when my sister and my mother was here, they distract me from myself so, when they’re not here, I started to drown again. I feel like I’m glued to the floor, walking in the swamp, breathing mud. It’s hard to do anything yet, I force myself to do everything, I force myself to believe that I have a reason to live. Do I really believe so?
I am now currently in a very bad mental condition.
I haven’t been sleeping well, I don’t think I sleep enough… I stayed in bed even though I’m not sleeping… I skip classes, I got angry everytime, even when playing guitar… Maybe it’s because I’m so sick of suffering like this…
Time can’t make it ok. And I don’t think that I need some time alone, I am alone, I’m always alone.
I’m buying a plane ticket to go back home for Christmas.
I think it might be my last attempt or these professionals can help me… Or not…
Or maybe I think that it’s always better to end it at home…
“There’s no place like home…”