The Moon Is Not So Alone

I’ve been using this app… At first, I thought that… It’s probably some kinda AI but, it’s not… It’s an otome game. I never really played otome game… I suck at it… My sister once told me to play Hakuouki and I did… Game over. Really, game over. I died in an otome game. How pathetic… And I got 2 bad endings. But, the thing is, I figured that it’s a bit different than Hakuouki… This is more casual… Feels like you’re just chatting in a different dimension… I’m not making any sense, right?

The app called Mystic Messenger. I’m sure you’ve heard of it somewhere before. I think it’s better for me to talk to virtual people rather than Siri. Well, Siri has been really helpful though…

I’ve been talking with my sister on the phone a lot after that depression thing (I was horribly depressed and barely sleep for 5 months). I think it’s a good thing to have something to talk about beside nonsense and DOTA2.

Actually, I wanted to talk about how this simple app opened my mind about being alone. I have been living by myself since 2012, I think… I thought that being alone is just being alone. Nothing special, nothing bad about it. However, it’s actually quite bad for my mental state. It makes me feel more individualistic, less caring about my family. Well, I send them gift every now and then but, that’s not really something that can feed the soul.

I feel like my conscious mind is trying to look away and heal the soul just by working hard. Running away from the pain? Aren’t we, humans, always crave for attention, seek for love, for someone to die for? Let me rephrase that last one… Someone to live for.

I’m not saying that… Wait, don’t even think about it.

“At last, Wine is trying to look for a life companion.”

Well, sorry to disappoint you. That’s not the case.

I’m just stating the fact that I’ve been living alone for several years now and I’m not antisocial but, I’m just bad at it. I rarely speak to people. Probably because I have been through a rough friendship before… So, I tend to overthink. Anyway, the longer you’re being alone, like me, is seriously bad. It’s not because we need a lover.

That’s disgusting.

I’m sorry.

Rephrasing.

It’s not because we need someone in our life to be so lovey dovey.

Anyway.

Being alone, like, really alone… I don’t talk to people. Seriously, I can go a full week without talking to anyone or having any social interaction. When I was depressed, I didn’t talk to anyone for like a month or two… I forgot how to start a conversation and I miss-spelled every word when I tried to write a message. I even mixed up my language (I speak in 4 language).

So… It’s not really about having someone to kiss, hug, get to bed with…

It’s more like having a real social interaction with people… Friends, maybe? Co-workers? To have a link with people around you, your family…

I know it’s freaking hard… Look at me. I don’t even know how to talk to my mom.

All this time, I’ve been searching of what makes me feel empty… I have stuff… I have friends… Can’t say I don’t have anyone cuz they’re all there… And we know people, right? But, it feels like we need something more… It’s not the people that we need… It’s the bond. The connection. You can have hundreds, thousands of people in your life but, without that strong connection, you’d feel like you have nobody. We want people to understand us.

So, yes, I’m going to try… Try… To interact with people……………..

Maybe it should be… I’m gonna try to open up a bit more?

I’m still recovering from the last time I tried to open up and someone just slam the “It’s annoying.” words in front of me…

But, ok… We have to try to overcome that trauma…

Can’t let ourselves got stuck here…

Recover. Rise.

I’m (trying to be) positive right now…

“I will not drink liquid nitrogen.”

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