This morning, the wind was like a beast. I do wear some warm clothing but, it’s tearing me apart like paper plane in the eye of the storm.
Ok, that’s a bit exaggerating.
I couldn’t sleep last night. Or more like I believe that I have something to straighten. Now that sounds weird. But, I got a few hours to sleep (less than 2). My eyes’re gonna pop outta my school in one of these days. How superb.
So, I woke up with some insecurity and… Good morning, depression. Another day to fight. I’m angry.
I was talking with a friend yesterday about relationship which I believe that everyone has with one or more person, unless you’re the most anti social person on earth. I believe that we all have someone we talk to in real life or in social media. Or we just talk to ourself cuz we’re too miserable. Well, I do talk to myself sometimes. It’s not a bad thing. Anyway, we were talking about in a relationship like family, friendship, etc. it’s a two-way thing. Both party have to feel the same way to make it work. Like if I hate you and you hate me, it’ll work… As worst nemesis. 😈
Sad thing is… The closer the relationship, the easier to get annoyed over small things and get irritated. I usually won’t get some simple stuff under my skin however… Since I got depressed, I feel like small things can make me either super excited with extra spark of joy or reall sad, annoyed, and extra special cranky. My mind is very evil these days. Me Vs Me. Hahaha…
I like small things. I’m someone who will send you good morning text and it makes me feel a bit of joy to see a sleepy face with a smile. But behind the good morning, I have worries like what if you find it annoying. I know it’s kinda weird to feel that way? Or is it…? Or maybe it’s just because some people matters to me a lot, I don’t want them to hate me.
I got up at 7.30 this morning. It’s early, considering I’m in terrible mood. I checked my e-mails and reread my schedule for the day. I checked some messages from some friends. I took a quick shower and it’s really cold. I feel some changes in me. Like being very hopeful to be happy today somehow. Maybe I was hoping for some reassurance that my life matters at this point…? Funny. I never thought I would have those hopeful feeling that someone would give me a hug and the tell me that I’m… acceptable.
I went out at 8.40 and it’s freezing outside. It’s very cloudy and like I said, powerful wind. I have consultation at 9.10 and strangely, I got there 10 minutes early. It’s unusual. I took my time walking but, I’m still early. My mind is drifting somewhere, floating in thoughts.
Although depression decide to wake me up with a sad mood, I promised myself that I won’t sleep without joy tonight.
The wind is as cold as my heart but, I believe that today too, you got my back and will give me the support that I need to be able to smile.
Please take care of me.