I’ve been in a very bad shape these days due to lack of sleep. Something triggered my insomnia and now I got super awesome sleep deprivation… Like 2-4 hours a day and… I’m super busy with lectures, practice, rehearsal, preparing my stuff for Christmas, also fighting depression. It’s really terrible and made me really cranky, silly mood swings, can’t focus on anything… I even stopped watching The Ellen DeGeneres Show because I don’t want to get cranky at Ellen which is impossible but, I’m still overthinking about everything. Sorry, Ellen, I will do my best to fix me so I can laugh at your jokes whole-heartedly… 😔
To make myself feel better I’m going to state some things that made me happy yesterday. It’s a good thing to surround ourself with positivity. Someone very close to me used to tell me how much she believe in me. 😆 It’s the best feeling.
Yesterday, I was writing something on Facebook about missing my mom and relate it to several months ago when I feel really worthless and planned to kill myself (I didn’t pull it because someone helped me out). My high school teacher asked me about what’s going on. I couldn’t tell her the whole story, only some part of it but, it helped a bit. She helped strengthen me spiritually. It’s a good thing. I feel a bit better, a bit more loose. Some friends are actually quite supportive. There’s a friend, I don’t really talk a lot with her but, she’s like a senior, like the time when we used to be so crazy about cosplay (I don’t do cosplay now unless my sister force me to). We’re not close but, she’s being supportive and said that I can talk to her. It’s a relieve to know that some friends are actually there to listen.
“We need someone to listen, not judge.”
At the evening, I was chatting with my close friend. She was originally my sister’s friend since elementary but, we become close and I have no idea how. I guess, when you click with someone, it just happen. She’s a really kind person, lack of confidence but, it’s ok, I believe she will overcome it. So, she was being really nice and there’s this one thing that really touched me. She went to church and prayed for me. I don’t really understand but, there’s some kind of prayer. I have no idea but, really… It’s a big deal. Praying for someone 3,500 miles away. I mean, I’m so depressed and feeling worthless, things like this means a lot to me. I never thought anyone would pray for my miserable soul… Praying for someone’s happiness is a big deal, huge deal for me. She’s so kind… God bless her 1,000,000 times more!
Also, I have this close friend of mine. I’ve known her since elementary school. She’s like someone who doesn’t really care about the world… Hmm… Not “doesn’t care” but… Super easy going person… What do you call that? She’s not like someone who wants to care about everything in this world… You got the point, right? So, she’s being really caring too. Like asking me why I’m not sleeping when it’s midnight and saying that I need to sleep. Small things… Small things matter. It shows how people really care… Like… She wants me to be ok. From the simplest thing, I can see the good intention.
I’m thankful for my friends who are so supportive. They believe that I can beat this depression and rise. These are real friends. You don’t meet people like them everyday. Or kind people are so rarw these days…? Real honest caring people are rare… And teacher who still cares even after years… You don’t find that in 20years of life.
This is like a therapy…? LOL
Recallig positive things, happy thoughts, supportive people, gathering good moments… Positive energy~
Yeah, I need more of that…
We need more positivity in life.