Counting Days

insomniaɪnˈsɒmnɪə/

noun

noun: insomnia

habitual sleeplessness; inability to sleep.

synonyms: sleeplessness, wakefulness, restlessness; More

inability to sleep;

archaicwatchfulness

Insomnia is a sleep disorder that is characterized by difficulty falling and/or staying asleep.

  
Since I was a kid, I always have trouble falling asleep. Either it was my anxiety, something frightens me… Or just simply couldn’t sleep. This is my 4th week unable to sleep. The main cause this time is someone triggered me, reminded me of my past. I have quite a lot of childhood “scars”. I only slept for 2-4 hours in the morning and I keep getting nightmares. They are still haunting my days.

Inability to get some good sleep is really affecting my productivity as in I’m moving slower, I think slower, I see things in slow motion and it’s unbelievable. I began to forget things. I feel confused. I got really agigated, easily offended. I got a lot of anger and I’m feel sad, down. Mixture of agony, pain, and it’s terrible how I feel alone and worthless. Most of the time I sit on the floor and stare at walls.

Sounds like I have a lot of free time, right? But, the truth is, I’m super busy. I have rehearsals, band practice, test. Now, when do I stare at walls?

At night, when everyone else is sleeping.

Next week will be the last active week before winter holiday.

I’m going back to meet my grandma and my childhood mom. I hope they can make me feel better. I miss being held by people who truly care.

I’m counting days…

I just wanna sleep the whole week and wake up in their arms…

The whole November feels like torture.

I hate being like this. I hate being down and sad because I always think that nobody likes sad a person. And a sad person makes me sad. I always feel like I can’t make people happy when I’m sad. Or maybe it’s more like… I never want anyone to feel this way.

It hurts.

  

By the way,

Since I’ve been sitting a lot (and eating pizza) I look a lot more chubby and… My ass is not that sexy anymore.

Also,

I’m thankful for everyone who’s trying to make me feel like I’m not alone in this world.

I will rise.

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