Wine’s Life And Dysphoria

Sometimes I wonder why I have to be born as a human…
Yeah, same thing as someone (some people), why can’t we…
It’s not like I want to die…


You know, I’ve been very depressed about myself. First of all, I have this ridiculous name my parents gave me. Yes, I do hate it. It makes me feel super uncomfortable in life. Super! Like I wanna change it every single time. Like it’s better to be named James Bond rather that #*%!?@ Right? Well, that’s how I feel. Some people will think that it’s such a dumb thing to be depressed about. Honey, you have no idea… I think it’s super dumb too but, it happens! It fucking happens… I don’t wanna feel bad about it, I don’t wanna be so crazy about it but, I do feel like this… And yeah, life’s a bitch… It’s unfair for me because my parents actually choose their own name… LOL

They did.


I’d rather be a Tony Stark or Kakarot… Rather than…

You know.

I’d even be a Moogle or Chocobo… I’d be freakin Godzilla…

But, I have this passport, visa, and stuff… It’s gonna be a pain in the ass to change my name legally… For now… Maybe later if I don’t kill myself… Which probably won’t happen.


Another thing is…

You know, I have… Kinda traditional family. I feel sad because I’m not a daughter they really want. I know they never really said it but, I feel like that. They don’t really accept me for who I am. They don’t like me with this freakin’ haircut, with this blue hair, with how I dress, how I look like everyday… I don’t wanna let them down, believe me, I want them to be a proud parents. I want them to be happy. I know, they probably will never understand how I feel because… We don’t talk much about how I feel. Nobody cares how I feel. Well, nobody in the family cares how I feel. And yet, here I am, trying to pursue my dreams. Trying to be someone who matters. Trying to make them proud in my way. (Because I can never be some perfect daughter who marry a gentleman at 24 years old). Yes… I’m sorry mom, I’m sorry dad, I hate my birth name! And I can’t be someone who you want me to be…

“Why don’t you go talk to your parents about it?”

About the name or my behaviour ?

Well, I talked to mom about my name. She’s kinda… Uhm… Yeah… No… Why… That’s a terrible name you choose…

So maybe later when I’m more suicidal, she’ll listen. Or I’m just gonna have to do it myself, later, when I’m…


My behaviour



You know, they said… When you’re a kid, you’re ok with this and that…

But really… When I was a kid… I have no choice.

What makes it so different is that… I play with T-rex, dinosaurs, Digimon, Pokemon, dragons, X-men, Ninja Turtles, Hulk… And well… Lego… Hahaha…

I remember someone gave me a barbie doll on my 5th or 7th birthday and I made T-rex ate her… Or she’ll be Shredder’s bitch. I  mean, that barbie doll is bigger than my T-rex… That doesn’t make any sense…!

One day someone gave me a kitchen set… Which is crazy. Can you imagine a kitchen twice the size of a T-rex…? Or maybe even bigger…

I turned it into an airplane and play diorama like in Jurassic Park 3 when Alan fly above Isla Sorna.

My sister… My sister watched Barbie movies… Well, I watched ’em with her… And I always tell her how ridiculous those movies are.

The thing is… There was some days when I just want to disappear. I feel like I’m wrong. Don’t blame my Christianity, that’s the thing that keeps me alive. If God wants to use me in a way humans can’t think of, so be it. Let it be done unto me according to Thy will.

I’m a freak. Yes. Look at me.


You know, I feel so grateful for all the people who see me as me and still want to talk to me, people who don’t really know me but still say hi to me, people who don’t judge me as someone who’ll be damned in hell.

Look at me.

I feel wrong in every way. Why?

That’s what my parents taught me. That I shouldn’t be like this. From time to time, they’re tolerating my behaviour now. But it’s that one thing you see in their eyes when their friends look at me with that look, talk about me like I’m such a weird creature. I feel sad, I feel hurt.

To be honest, I grow to hate my mom. I kinda dislike my dad when he comment about my appearance too but, my mom, I hated how she force me, how she talk to me. Several years ago, I kinda make peace with her. We’re all good. I can see how she’s so frustrated about my lil bro but, that’s a whole other thing. Dad’s been busy with work too. I guess he just want to provide and have fun. I always try my best to make them happy, in my own way (Because, you see, I can’t make them happy in a way they really want me to. I’m just not that daughter). I sent them roses on Valentine’s day, I remember their wedding anniversary, I gave them something nice on their birthday, I stayed out of trouble, I finished school without fucking people, I don’t do drugs, I don’t owe people money, I don’t steal, I don’t have criminal records.


I’m not a perfect child, I’m not… The daughter they want. I’m just me, no matter how weird, how messed up, how insane… I can’t change that… I too, once, wished that God would make me into someone they can be proud of 100%.

I just want them to accept me.

No matter how I hate the name that they gave me……….

And don’t be ashamed of me when I go to some wedding ceremony not in a dress like every other girl. I’d rather die. Really.

Am I being too demanding? Hahaha… Freakin’ change my name please, Mom! LOL

“If I’m just like every normal people, maybe it’ll save you one less problem…”

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