Since I was a kid, my parents always told me to be feminine, long hair, sweet shit cutie, wear goddamn “girly” thing… It’s just not me, not at all. When I was a kid, I live with my grandma and aunt. It was such a happy time but, every kid needs their parents. Guess what, me too. However, it turns out that they don’t like me. They want a daughter who’s so perfect. The one that everyone can see and tell them how perfect she is. I can never be that person.
“My perfection is something that my parents could never see.”
My hair is short, I style’em spiky. I wear pants most of the time. T-shirt, jackets, layers of clothes.
I feel rejected. They don’t want the real me. Don’t give me the “They want what’s best for you” ! Clearly, they don’t understand me. They deny the real me. They’re not even trying to understand me. They want their image of perfect daughter, I understand. Must have feel ashamed of me. What have their friends said… I’m a disgrace…? I’m weird? That I’m a freak? I don’t belong in their perfect image of society.
I’ve been dealing with this matter very patiently. I tried to talk to them, to give them understanding about who I am, what I chose to be. They’re evading that conversation, changing the subject, running away.
“They don’t want to know.”
I thought home is where you can be who you are, a place where no one will judge you for being you. Family should be people who support you no matter what.
I guess it’s not always like that, huh…?
I still smile though and it’s not fake. I’m just not someone who drown myself in desperation and sadness. I distract myself. I focus on what’s important.
I’m afraid if someday I’ll explode. If someday I say something hurtful, something bad, something that I should just keep to myself. Or if I do something terrible.
Don’t tell me how to dress, I’m not 5 years old.
If I don’t have that someone who always love and support me,
I’d probably be dead right now…
Or just a terrible human being.
There’s a lot of people who commit suicide because of this, feeling rejected by their closest.
Be patient, be strong. Just remember, you are not alone.