Things are good at times. Well, it’s not worse than months ago for sure. I’m not in that deep pitch black pit. I’m just in this dilemma. In fact, I’m in that heart and mind thing again. You know how I really wanna be a good person. I really do. I tried my best, I am still trying though.
I keep holding on to this principal, faith and good thing. I talk to the Man upstairs every time. “I need a little help here.” or “Give me strength.” small things, short sentences. I’m just a man. I can’t stand on my own.
So, the heart and mind. I have a problem with my heart. Because it keeps denying my mind. My heart is a sinner. It’s like… Fuck you, Heart! But, I need my heart. See how complicated it is? Did I tell you I love someone? Yeah, I do. You might be thinking, “So what? It’s a normal thing.” Well, for most people, yeah, it’s a normal thing. But, for people like myself… I don’t want this human relationship. I’m not into it. I love it when this person turn other “competitors” down. Why did I say that… It’s not like we’re competing… Other human then. On that relationship matter. So, yes. I love it. I’m super glad. Of course, I want that person for me. Which is super selfish of me because I don’t want marriage and stuff like that.
See? I don’t even know what to do with my crazy heart. Well, clearly, since I’m a living flesh, that should be normal. Being selfish, being evil, being a bad person. I’m not what everyone expect. You know, we can never satisfy everyone.
I will get angry, I will get mad, I will hate, I will want to kill people. I have bad intentions. But, I ain’t gonna do bad stuff to people. I’ll just draw crazy sketches and move on. Hahaha… Sometimes I feel terrible but, I know, deep down, I’m not that bad. I love this person. My love is pure. I love this person because I want to. I don’t need to get their love (Trust me, I want to). It’s complicated, I hope you understand.
I don’t want my love to turn me into something that I’m not. I don’t want it to bring chaos. I don’t want to be someone that I will regret in the future. I hope, by experiencing love, I will become a better person, not worse.
Love is kind. I won’t let it turn into hatred towards others.
Don’t hate me. And I do wish you love me, continue to love me, don’t ever stop because I will never stop.
“Baby, I ain’t a saint but, I ain’t the worst mankind either.”