Peeking Through The Gates of Hell

I’ve been keeping stuff very close to the heart. It’s not that I’m angry… I’m not. It’s just that I’ve been holding myself these past few days (weeks) and I feel miserable. All the stress, all the pressure… I don’t know how to react to these stuff. Sometimes, I feel really painful, deep inside.

Earlier, I had a conversation with someone I love dearly.  All that person do was crank the lever a bit. Not even cranking it, just toucing it and ask what that was. And I just snapped…

Just. Like. That.

It’s because I always hold myself and it’s burning inside me. All that anger for the world… Well, mostly towards myself. All I have to do it to hold it a bit longer. I could’ve. But, I’m not that strong. I used to be stronger. But, I too, have fallen.

This dark, empty pit, endless, infinite, bottomless dungeon filled with maggots, sins, rotten flesh…

Oh, how I wish I could turn back time…

I’m not angry. Just pissed. How I’m so weak…

“I dont know why you get so worked up.”

It was not my intention. I was being rude to my closest human companion…

“Will end up making you angry.”

I don’t know how it works… My head, my mind, my heart, my soul… What is wrong with me… I don’t want to feel this way and I don’t want to act like you’re just another human companion because I know… You’re more than just a human to me…

“And its alright. seems like people are angry to me this whole day, so im fine with another one. everything is wrong with everything i do today so whatever.”

But, it’s not ok for me…

I don’t want to be just another one…

I don’t want to be this people…

God…

I’m causing someone pain again…

God…

Give me strength…

God…

Give me the ability to bring happiness…

Not pain and sorrow…

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