Dragged Down and Depressed

I just went back to Tokyo, Japan after 3 weeks of holidays, going back to my hometown, and then going to Bali, staying at our new house, having fun with my family, having fun with my friends. It feels so good. I’m so glad I have them. But, anyway, all that fun, all that laughter, the second I enter my empty space, no one there but me. So silent, so calm. There’s my problem. Lies there, the darkest, the most evil thing.

I draw this at night, when I feel so depressed after overthinking, worrying about everything.
I draw this at night, when I feel so depressed after overthinking, worrying about everything.

I sat down in the corner of my room. I did nothing. Just thinking. Worrying. What if…

“What if I fail the test?”

I got my JLPT N3 test before holidays. Now I’m starting to worry because I remember that it’s hard for me that time. Then I started to think about everything else. What if I fail the interview to get to vocational school? I haven’t even decided the major. What if I get in but, I can’t keep up with the lessons? What if I can’t communicate well? Language barrier? What if I can’t make friends? What if I want to go home? Guess my parents will be so disappointed. I kept thinking about these stuff and felt like I should just die that moment.

Of course, I didn’t kill myself, I mean, I’m alive enough to write this crap.

I decide to draw that depressing picture on a piece of paper. You know, pouring my feelings. Well, felt a bit better. A BIT! 15% or so. Then, I chat with my friends on LINE messenger and Facebook. I feel better now that I know, two or three people care for me. Somehow, I still feel a bit down.

The point is, I know, my biggest enemy is myself. MYSEFL, MY MIND, the way I can make myself worry over everything, doubting myself, even thinking to die. I should eat more chocolate. But, yeah, that’s how I am. Behind all the smiles, laughter, looking good and strong, I can still catch a flu. I’m a miserable human being. My monster is worry.  Afraid of being a failure. Makes me feel like I’m not moving forward. Obviously, I can’t fight it alone. Without backup, I’m as good as dead. I have to set my mind back, looking, not forward, just looking at ‘right now’ is enough. All I got is right now.

One of my friend told me, she’ll break my door and strangle me if she live nearby. Sorry, I made you worry about me. I’m not gonna die now for sure.

To end the day, here’s some word from my friend (My other friend who actually live nearby, not that near but, whatever) I’d like to share. She quote, and I quote again…

“Now you may have a lot of doubts.
You probably think,

“Can I really become a singer?”

“What am I gonna do in 10 yeas from now, 20, 30?”

And, of course, you get sad, because future seems so undefined and blurry.
But I want to tell you that the most important thing is to do what you love.

And it doesn’t matter if the future is blurry now, because if you knew exactly, what you’re going to do even in 30 years from now, it wouldn’t be interesting to live at all, right?”

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