I truly hate what happened to me these days. Stressed because of the exam and this family. Day after day. I tried to love my family but, they just make me sick and even sicker than before. This family annoy me… And I began to hate it even more…
I hate adults, some adults who never want to understand. Those who think that being angry at me is some sort of ‘care’. Please, differentiate care and pretend to care. Well, my parents don’t really care about what I want. They only care about how to have a perfect daughter which I will never be. I never want to be someone for them… I don’t choose to be born in this family. I never choose my parents and they didn’t choose me. They have no right to choose a path in life for me! No, absolute zero! They are not my God!
My father need more education… Yeah, that’s what I think. It’s very good for me to be educated at school. Now I understand the difference between educated parents and not. But, the greatest part of my father is that he’s such a hard worker and I’m proud of him. He can pay the bill. That’s the point, parents exist to raise children. My father do his job so extraordinary in fulfilling our family needs (read: money). But, on the other hand, I need more than that to raise. Human need something more than money… Love. I don’t get enough attention from my father. When is the last time he praise me… When is the last time he said that he’s proud of me… I can’t even remember. All I did is never good enough.
More of it… My mother. Someone who sometimes good and caring but, sometimes… I really hate her for being so emotional and… What should I say… Talkative…? No. Not that. When she’s not in good mood, she’ll bring every fault I ever committed. From the smallest mistake ’till the biggest. I hate that so much. She often threaten me. “I’ll never buy you anything.” Ended up lying to me. I don’t like lies but, I lied 1000 times to everyone because I understand that people hate the truth, they want a huge lie covered with other tiny lies.
So, both of my parent seems like they don’t really like me. What a coincidence, I don’t really like them to. I need them to survive right now. That’s the fact. Sometimes I can love them, sometimes… I just wanna kill myself rather than to hate them because I know… I owe them something. What I want is just for them to know what I’m capable of and what I want to be… They just hate the fact that I’m different.
I hate this world. I just wanna die and go to heaven… I just want a bit of real happiness in my laughter…
“When I leave all this traumatic event is the time when I lose myself…”