Nothing but Pain

“As time goes by, I feel empty… My heart is hollow… All the hatred consuming my inner peace… I will be gone in seconds now…”

These days, I feel like a dying young person standing in the middle of the crowd doing nothing. So weird… Living in emptiness… I feel so worthless… Useless…

I went through an inner wounds healing last month. Which is killing me. Remind me of all the pain, the hurts… I can feel it again right now. It never heal me. It’s killing me! It made it worst! Now my body is suffering from all my heartache. Yes! Heartache can hurt physically! Haven’t heard of it? The called it psychokinetic. The mind controlling the body, the heart control the body, ask them to feel the same pain.

Somehow it works like that. No one can heal from pain. You’ll just get hurt again, and it’s gonna be worst than ever.

That inner wounds ealing reminds me when my parents couldn’t protect me when I was a kid. How pathetic. How can they let a punk point a gun at my face… How can they let him shoot me… I was just a 3 years old kid that time… I’m innocent and I harmless… Can you imagine how a kid would cry if there’s a bullet penetrating little one’s left eye…? When blood covering the small hands and that little kid doesn’t even know why…? How cruel… They let the boy got away… He should be in jail, rotten for what he have done to me.

I remember when daddy slap me when I was a kid. 5 years old maybe… I remember when he… Whip me and my sister with a three-way cable… Shit, that 3-pointed-steel hurts like hell! I remember when he hit me with his own hand… That hand was the size of my head that time… It was a gigantic pain striking my little body…

I remember when my dad hit my little brother. He was a bit ADHD and hyperactive… He’s a bit slow on thinking. My dad without any understanding, slap his face when he was 4. Yeah, my dad is a very hardcore parent. You’ll never know how much I hate him, how much vengeance caused by him… Though, I have to love him because he can grant me any material things. Though he might not understand that a child needs more love… He’s an ancient beast sent by God to be my parent, to be my father…

The other thing I remember, when my parents talk about me to my sister. Yes, it’s true that I’m different from ordinary humans. I got something not normal. That’s one disorder caused by what my parents did to me; Which they will never realize even until the day the have to die. They don’t want my sister to become someone like me. Yeah, why would they want that? They dislike me. They don’t want me. They don’t accept me as me, the way I am. They hate me. And they never realize that they are the one who make me become like this.

I always feel alone. No matter how many friends around me, how many family talk to me, how many people said they love me… I can never understand why they said that they love me. They don’t… They can’t… They are lying… People lie to me… People hurt me… People dislike me and they stab my back every second… Humans are filthy creature. Sinners, trash, they make the world stink, rotten, and now the earth is dying because of GOD’s BEST CREATION, HUMANS! No one can deny that… It’s true that we’re the one who destroyed this earth…

No matter how hard I tried, people are just using me… When they don’t need me, they trash me. That’s how the world goes around, trash the thing you don’t need. I just wanna make people happy with existence, am I wrong…? Why are they keep hurting me…? Maybe they didn’t know that one day, when I don’t need my family anymore, I will enjoy hunting them one by one and enjoy every drop of their blood…? I will enjoy destroying their live… I will enjoy the taking of my revenge… Then, they will be miserable with my existence…

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